


Remember how it felt (for the first time)

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Fluff, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, TW argument, TW implied suicidal thoughts, establishedrelationship, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-31 16:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3984286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil have a giant argument, which escalates into slamming doors and tears, jeopardizing their long-lasting relationship. Can they survive the storm? Can they turn it all around and go back to their first time? Can they make each other feel as they did all the way back in 2009?</p><p>Based on the prompt: "Can you write one where Dan and Phil get in a huge fight, and to make it all better Dan takes Phil to relive the day they met in person (Possibly include Dan sending Phil a message online)"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember how it felt (for the first time)

**Author's Note:**

> This was so hard to write, anon! I can hardly imagine Dan and Phil actually fighting and it was difficult to get into this mindset. But I quite like how it turned out, although I’m delirious from lack of sleep as I finish this (I also wrote this ALL in one go) and I may or may not be slightly insane. LOL Thanks for the prompt <3
> 
> A/N 2: Originally posted on my tumblr :)

It all started like most arguments do: the trivial things, the small annoyances of everyday life. First comes the freezing silences, then the heated fire of a dispute over something both of them could hardly pinpoint anymore. Shouted accusations, a never-ending screaming match, wet rage, the sound of slamming doors.

It all ended like some arguments do: the front door slamming closed as one of them angrily stormed off. His partner sliding down the wall, trying to hold back the wrecked sobs over the pieces of a relationship he wasn’t sure if he still had. Not after all that was said and all the anger.

Could this be the story of how he’s lost the best thing he’s ever had?

* * *

It had been weeks of misplaced silences, odd distances. Both of them avoided each other, only grunting replies when it was really necessary. Gone was the banter and all the little domestic discussions. Even their videos together were mostly done through forced smiles and fake laughs, which they were sure the fans would be able to tell soon enough.

It seemed as though their flat had a silent agreement of a cease fire, but the war still raged on, even as they tried to ignore it burning deep inside. The resentment from their distance only grew when they spent more time locked in their own rooms, avoiding the inevitable argument brewing within them. Every little thing each one did was incredibly annoying to the other and there were lots of rolling eyes and sighs of annoyance, in a juvenile attempt to keep the fake peace going.

A beat of silence was followed by the sound of the vacuum turning on, followed by a long exasperated sigh.

“Could you not? I’m trying to work here!” A voice echoed through their flat.

“Would you rather we just lived in the dirt, then?” Came the sassy reply as Phil came in the room.

“No! But can’t you do it another time?” Dan sighed, annoyance dripping like venom.

“Oh, I don’t know, Mr. I’m-always-so-busy! Maybe you should do it yourself, then?” The tone matched the other’s perfectly.

“Maybe if I didn’t have to spend so long editing  _our_  gaming videos I might have some time for cleaning!”

“What is that supposed to mean?!” Phil squeaked, voice going high.

“Oh, I don’t know, Phil! Maybe you should try to help me every once in a while, how does that sound?!” The brown of his eyes was shining with resentment.

“You’re  _unbelievable_ , you know that?” The older stomped off, angrily, turning his back on the discussion. Deep down they both knew it was Phil’s defense mechanism: he got cold and distant and went to brood silently on a corner whenever he felt like a serious fight was brewing.

The problem was that his boyfriend was not the kind to back down from confrontation.

“Oh, no, you don’t!” Dan yelled, rudely, chasing after Phil and opening his arms in a threatening manner, “You ALWAYS do this! You run away from all your problems and wait for them to go away. Guess what, Phil? They won’t!”

The shorter man didn’t answer, but Dan could see his shoulders tensing up and his hands closing into shaking fists as he tried to keep his cool about the situation. He took a deep breath and relaxed his hands, turning back over, the coldest look on his face as he stared his boyfriend right in the eyes, silently.

“Oh, that’s fucking great! Now you’re giving me the silent treatment, are you?” Dan crossed his arms, staring him down. He wouldn’t back down easily, despite the ice-coldness of Phil’s blue eyes, so different from the calm they usually evoked in him, “Fine! You should like… Try growing up, maybe, Phil!”

Phil turned around again to walk away and Dan took a step forward, instinctively grabbing his arm, heart pounding on his chest. The other resisted, struggling for a minute, but Dan held on strongly, afraid himself of the rage coursing through his body.

“Daniel James Howell, you let me go RIGHT NOW!” Phil spat back, angrily wiping around and staring him down. No matter how tall he got, he still felt so small facing Phil’s anger, because it was a side of him even he wasn’t allowed to see often, only when he fucked up real badly.

“No! We’re going to talk about this whether you want to or not!” He screamed back, doing his best to sound stronger than he felt on the inside. He held on as Phil squirmed again and tried to get away.

That’s the thing about fights: it’s all about heat, the all-consuming fire burning deep inside, its whispers urging you to hurt, to damage. The red consumes you and all you can see is the best path to keep it going and spit out every hurtful thing that is left inside. Until it burns down in ambers as the flames die down and leave you empty.

He knew his strong grip was probably hurting his boyfriend. Consciously he knew that his fingers obviously were leaving a mark on his pale skin as he tried to restrain him. The same as he knew that Phil didn’t mean to push him that hard, knocking the air out of his lungs. He was just trying to flee, to get away from the burning flames. He took a step back, winded, eyes widening.

“STOP! That’s enough!” Phil yelled, taking a step back as well. He was breathing fast, the previously cold eyes now stormy with suppressed rage.

“What is it, huh? Are you going to run away again? Like you always do? Fine! I don’t care either way!” Dan angrily spat back.

“Oh, yeah? You want me to speak?” He approached again, going almost nose to nose, eyes filling up with tears although his cheeks remained dry, “what do you want to hear from me? That I am angry? Disappointed maybe? Well, Dan, I am! We were so happy! But every single thing I do just irritates you now! You’re so angry!” He stopped, seemingly to gather the courage to say the next few words, “do you even love me anymore? Is that what this is about? Am I just standing on your way?” He held Dan’s shoulders, blue eyes burning into brown, “Please, help me understand!”

“Maybe if you listened to me every once in a while, you’d know my reasons!” He shrugged off his boyfriend’s grip. Deep down he knew this was not the way to go. He _knew_  that more taunting would take them nowhere. But anger was a blinding force and he was having a hard time seeing clearly through the haze.

“Would I now?” The anger was creeping back in his tone as he took a step back “Enlighten me, Dan! Why does my boyfriend act like he hates me? Why don’t we just spend time together, do nice things? Why do you keep treating me like I’m just going to stand there and be the end of your jokes?” There was something beautiful to behold in the growing storm within the blue oceans of Phil’s eyes, as they filled up with tears he refused to allow himself to shed.

“Please!” He snorted, disdainfully “Now you’ll make this my fault, will you? You dump all your responsibilities on me for our joint channel and any project we do together and then you accuse me of not caring? Tough, Phil! Somebody needs to be the grown-up!”

“I can’t believe you!” He took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair, “After all I’ve ever done for you, Dan, how can you say…?”

“It’s not my fault you want to act like a child!” Dan interrupted, talking over his boyfriend.

“Is it what this is about?” He asked, low, eyes turning cold as steel, “are you ashamed of me?”

“Maybe I wanted you to be responsible JUST ONCE and act like a 28-year-old, Phil! Maybe I’m tired of babysitting my own boyfriend, for fuck’s sake!” He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, in his wet and shaky voice, tears threatening to fall.

Phil snapped his jaw shut angrily and turned his back, trying to hold back the tears he felt pooling in his eyes. It felt like a punch to the chest, because deep down he knew that was it. Dan didn’t love him for who he was anymore and he really couldn’t be anyone else. As he tried to hold himself together, Phil felt the pieces of their relationship falling apart.

“P-Phil… I… I don't...” Dan tried to mend it back together, feeling the harshness of his words and what they entailed, “I didn’t mean it like that… I…”

“No, that’s exactly what you meant.” Phil’s voice was cold, and yet Dan could clearly hear the tears in his voice, the ones he refused to let his boyfriend see.

“Please, we can fix this!” Dan pleaded, finally understanding what he was giving up on by keeping this stupid argument alive.

“No, we can’t! Sorry, I… I can’t do this anymore.”

Those were the last words Phil said to Dan, not even turning back to see the tears the taller man couldn’t hold back in anymore. He just took his keys and his wallet, storming off, front door slamming shut violently behind him. He ran down the stairs, trying to escape from drowning on his own suffocating feelings of loss and grief for what he held most dear.

* * *

Here Dan lay now. Pathetic, defeated, having slid down a wall and landed on the ground, tears overcoming his body as sobs wrecked through him. He couldn’t even measure what he had lost over that silly argument. His boyfriend, who he now guessed he ought to call ex-boyfriend, meant more than a quick fuck and some dates. They were in this relationship for over 5 years and they did everything together.

It didn’t feel like a breakup at all. It felt like the worst piercing pain, a dagger going straight through his heart and leaking out the sobs of absolute misery which now consumed him. He lost his best friend, his business partner, the most important person in his life. He’s fucking done it: he destroyed his relationship with his soulmate and he never felt emotional pain quite this physical.

Hardly seeing through the tears, he dialed Phil’s number, trying to reach him. Voicemail, of course. He sobbed into the phone, turning off the call without recording the message. What could he say, really? How could he ever fix this? He just led Phil to believe that he didn’t like his personality anymore, that his behavior annoyed him. Like it was even possible to hate someone as lovely as his boyfriend, after all they’ve been through together.

After wallowing in self pity for some more minutes, Dan decided to text Louise, because he needed someone to tell him how much of an idiot he was. He was sobbing too hard and typing was difficult, but he really didn’t want her to hear his voice in that state. While he waited for her answer to his first message he tried to calm himself down, knowing that drowning in his own tears wouldn’t help anyone.  _Pathetic_ , he thought,  _can’t do anything right._

Instead of the message tone, he heard his ringtone and his heart jumped, expecting Phil’s name to come up on the screen. But it was Louise. Of course, she was worried about him. Taking a ragged breath he answered the call.

“Louise,” was all he managed to choke out, voice shaky, already feeling the tears rolling down his cheeks again.

“Dan? Are you okay? What happened?” She asked, clearly concerned.

“I fucked up, Louise. I fucked up real bad this time!” He sobbed into the phone, voice shaking, trying to calm down enough to tell her what happened.

“Sweetie, please calm down! Are you hurt? Is Phil?” She asked, heart pounding on her chest with the possibility of them being in some sort of accident.

“No… No… Nothing like that,” he tried to steady his voice but it was difficult, “Phil and I had a big fight… He just left! And I… Louise, I…” He had a hard time getting the words out and she heard intently, “I don’t think he’s coming back. I think we’re over for good.”

* * *

Two hours later and he was laying down on the carpet, utterly alone. Phil hadn’t returned any of calls. He wasn’t coming home. Not even a word from him. After a long phone conversation with Louise, in which she reassured him that it would be fine, that they could fix this, he calmed down a bit. After pleading with her to check up on Phil and make sure he was okay (which she did, and texted him back reassuring him that Phil was safe), he spent his last hour trying to find a way to turn this situation around.

He was nothing if not creative. They both lived from their creativity alone, their capacity to charm people and make them love every single video they produced. It was a fine art and there was a perfect balance: it required a lot of love and dedication. He knew that, but he also knew that Phil was the one who taught him all that.

How he had admired Phil from afar, all those years ago! He still had a hard time believing that sad little Dan, who used to hide Youtube from his family as though it were something sinful, would grow up to be an internet star next to the guy who inspired him so much. The one video-maker who could  _always_  make him smile. The endearing, brilliant, witty and downright weird guy from the north, who kept him company in so many cold nights when all he wanted to do was give up.

AmazingPhil was his idol back them. He absolutely loved the guy and tried so hard to get to talk to him. It was ironic to think that now he felt a Phil-sized pain in his chest, threatening to overwhelm him again as he couldn’t reach him. The idea of Phil not coming back, not coming home, hurt him more than he could ever imagine.

 _Focus!_  He told himself, shaking his clouded head slightly. He was feeling a bit weak from all the emotional stress he went through, but there was no way he would stop. The idea of losing AmazingPhil, his Youtube partner, already hurt. But the idea of losing Phil Lester, the man he sworn he would love until the end of his days, was absolutely unbearable.

He needed to bring Phil back somehow. He needed to prove to him that none of the words said in anger,  _none of them_  had any purpose but to leave scars. They were his way to lash out at himself, but he did it by hurting the one who mattered the most. He needed to prove to Phil that him being lively and childish sometimes was one of the many features he loved about him. He needed to show him that he loved  _every single aspect_  of Phil’s personality and he never even considered the possibility of ever stopping loving him.

Sure, he was stressed and angry and he took it out on Phil. But he knew he could fix this. He had to, because he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else but the love of his life. They completed each other so well and no matter how aggravating it seemed to love someone so different, there was something amazing about the way they just clicked perfectly together.

_Think, Dan, think! How can you prove to him that you love him as much as you did when you met him? More, even! How can you prove that Phil is still your idol, your hero?_

The idea struck him out of nowhere and he actually felt air filling his lungs for the first time since Phil left their home. Reaching for his phone, now fuelled by a purpose and plan, he knew he wasn’t drowning anymore.

* * *

 

Reading over his text message, Dan thought to himself if this was really a good idea. Maybe Phil would ignore all of it and actually hate him for trying. But he had to. He couldn’t bear the thought of just giving up on his Phil without a fight.

“I know this is going to sound weird and you probably hate me right now, but… Do I get a second chance on this? Can I do it right this time? Please! Check your twitter DMs and let me start over!”

Message: SENT

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Twitter DM:

From: Danisnotonfire

To: AmazingPhil

I love your videos so much! I still can’t believe you replied to my message! O__o Guess I’ll meet you on skype tomorrow, 8 p.m! ;)

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

The next night, Dan sighed in front of his computer, getting everything ready. He really hoped Phil decided to give him a chance.  _Please, Phil! I really wanna make it right… What if I screw this up?_ He felt sick just thinking about all that could go wrong: Phil could just ignore him, still too angry to listen. Maybe he didn’t think his now ex (it still hurt to think about!) boyfriend deserved this new beginning.

Dan wouldn’t blame him really. But a little voice inside told him that Phil would never do that. He knew his Phil and he was nothing if not a compassionate soul. He would listen. He would! And Dan would maybe be able to pull it off. He could prove to Phil that he still loved him as much as he did all those years ago.

 _It’s time!_  Shaking with anticipation, Dan stuck the note he had written in the chair facing the camera, pressing the call button and hiding, only listening to the call starting. He had to get ready.

* * *

Note:

“Do you remember what happened next? All these 5-hours-long skype calls, all through the night? You never knew how close I was to giving up. You never knew how much you saved me just by being there. You never knew how much it meant that it was you, Phil, and no one else. And I loved you then, too, much more than I can express. If you remember how it felt, all those years ago, please go to the place we met for the first time tomorrow, at the right time.”

* * *

Dan was a wreck the next day. He was shaking, nerves as bad as the first time. It felt real. It felt like being 17 again, his heart doing that flippy-over thing upon meeting his idol, his best friend. He was so in love then, he was already a goner before it even started. He knew the second he actually met Phil that his life had changed for the better.

It was even worse now, knowing that this was his last chance. He needed to make this right, he had to! He wouldn’t lose Phil, that was not an option. Looking around at the Manchester train station, Dan waited for the love of his life to appear, feeling his hands sweat intensely.

As soon as Phil stepped into the platform, Dan felt the breath knocked out of his lungs, just like the first time. He was gorgeous, he always had been. He looked so much older now, carrying the weight of the world. His eyes were dull and sad and the worst part is Dan knew it was all his fault. And somehow it hurt worse than his own pain: knowing how much he hurt his Phil.

“Phil?” He asked, coming up behind him, shaking with nerves. Phil turned around, eyes even sadder after looking at Dan, taking his appearance in. He could probably see how drained he looked: the bags under his eyes, the weariness of his whole body. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t hurting him immensely.

Dan cautiously approached, worried that he might be overstepping Phil’s boundaries. All the while he stared into his breathtaking eyes, asking for his permission. The older man nodded, opening his arms a little and Dan hugged him, tightly. It was nothing like their first hug, when Dan threw himself at Phil in his happiness. It was sweet and caring, it was an apology and a new beginning.

“I-it’s nice to finally see you,” Dan said, taking a step back.

“Yeah, you too…” Phil said, a bit awkward, looking down.

“Do you remember what happened next, Phil?” Dan asked, softly, reaching out and cupping his lovely cheek in his hand, eyes glistening with tears.

“Yeah, I do,” Phil answered, staring into his eyes.

“Lead the way, then!” He said, smiling softly.

* * *

They went to as much of the places they visited in their first date as they could. Turns out the apple store where they took that selfie was closed and their booth on Starbucks had changed places, so it wasn’t the same. Sitting down to have a coffee was awkward, as both of them were struggling to act normal. The feelings of nostalgia were there and they both felt like it was the first time all over again, but it wasn’t really.

As they exited the Starbucks, Dan bumped hands with Phil, smiling cheekily. The man couldn’t help but giggle, excitedly, reaching out and taking his hand, just like he did in their first date. He remembered that it was the first time he saw that Phil could also be interested and it was there and then that he decided to make his move, which turned out to be later in the night on the Ferris wheel.

They had dinner together at the same restaurant they did back then, and Dan decided he needed to break the ice of awkwardness still standing in their way. Grabbing Phil’s hand in his, he mustered all of his courage and honesty, staring into his beautiful startled blue eyes.

“I’m sorry. I really am,” he kept his voice low and as steady as he could, “losing you hurt so much, Phil. I realize now how ridiculous I was being. How distant. I guess I got used to having you there all the time and I forgot how you must feel about it… About me just taking you for granted. I’m honestly so sorry for forgetting all of this. How it felt for the first time,” he swallowed hard and Phil held his hand tighter, pressing it in comfort. “I can’t forgive myself for what I said. But having you means so much to me, Phil. So fucking much,” he felt the tears coming as he tried hard to keep them at bay.

“Why did you do all of this, Dan?” He asked, comforting but also confused.

“Because I needed you to understand!” He was shaking slightly, letting go of his hand to run his fingers through his hair, “Fuck… I needed you to see that nothing changed, Phil! It never could! I love you as much as I did back then. I love you now that I’m successful, or whatever, even more than I did when I had nobody else in the world! Just like I did when you saved me for the first time. I need to make you understand that I could never mean any of the things I said the other day,” he could feel some tears falling and he was helpless to stop them, shaking his head, “this was probably just a stupid idea. I’m sorry, Phil…”

“Stupid?! No, it isn’t!” He interrupted, reaching out and cleaning the tear tracks on his face, “I’m sorry too, Dan. I’m sorry about leaving and running away from all of our problems. I’m sorry if I rely on you too much sometimes,” he said, apologetically, “I never meant to hurt you. But I did. I hurt you by leaving as much as you hurt me in that stupid fight, huh? I didn’t realize it until I saw you in the train station earlier.”

“It was mostly my fault,” Dan countered, not denying the pain he’s been through.

“I need you to answer something honestly for me, yeah?”

“Anything,” he said, truthfully.

“Are you ashamed of me? Am I too childish?” It seemed to hurt him saying the words because they resonated with his own insecurities, but he had to know how Dan actually stood in the subject.

“Of course not! I love you so much, Phil! I didn’t mean any of that at all! I never could… I’m so sorry for hurting you!” He shook his head, wanting to be swallowed by a big hole and never return again, knowing that this was really bothering Phil a lot. He took a deep breath and faced it head on, though, “I love _you_. Every single part of you. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, not even your weirdest quirks”

That seemed to be the right thing to say, as Phil read the sincerity in his eyes, holding his gaze intently. He smiled that breathtaking smile of his and Dan was stunned for a second. He could see the forgiveness he wasn’t sure he deserved in the blue depths. Phil reached out and took his hand, not saying a word. He got up and led him outside of the restaurant, to their last destination in the tour down memory lane.

* * *

Standing in the moonlight, hand in hand, they walked to the place where the Manchester Wheel used to be. It was demolished a while ago, along with all the evidence of their memories. But the same feelings still burned deep inside as Dan glanced up into his lover’s beautiful eyes.

“Do you remember what happened here, Dan?” The older boy said in his low tone of voice, staring deep into Dan’s chocolate-brown eyes.

“Yes,” he replied, smiling softly as he closed the gap between them and kissed Phil just like the first time. It wasn’t perfect: it was a bit messy and teary on both ends, but it was them and that had to be more than enough.

They pulled apart, smiling. Phil took both of his hands again and asked earnestly:

“Daniel Howell, will you take me back as your boyfriend?” He laughed that sweet genuine laugh, knowing he was over the top, but also knowing that Dan deep down loved his soppy romantic gestures.

“Yes, I will, Philip Lester!” Was his enthusiastic answer, laughing heartily at his adorable boyfriend. Oh, how much had he missed him!

Arms encircled his neck as their lips collided again, heatedly, desperately. It felt like love was keeping them together, giving them the breath of life they needed to get through each day. And well, wasn’t it what soulmates were for, after all?

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, that’s all I have for today, kids! Hope you liked it. Please give me feedback! Thanks to the anon who suggested this one. It was rather challenging, but also a lot of fun to write! :)


End file.
